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  • Sara Coutant

Girl's girl.

The other day, I was listening to a podcast and the guest mentioned how she loved it when girls were "girl's girls". I've been thinking about this concept ever since.


For a while, female friendships were really scary for me. I wouldn't say I was always a girls girl. I used to fall into the category of claiming I just "got along better with guys". I would shrug off girls, calling them annoying, and claiming I wanted to be a "different kind of girl". I was playing right into the societal push to pit women against each other.

I was playing right into the societal push to pit women against each other.

Now, of course, this all stemmed from fear and insecurity. I'd experienced rejection from girls, feeling like there had to be something wrong with me because it seemed that this exclusion had a tendency to follow me. In hindsight, I'm sure some of it was in my head, and some of it was the result of my awkward teenage social anxiety and moments of wracking my brain to say something that was funny and clever like the other girls. So I wrote myself off, deciding I guess I just would never be "one of the girls".

In hindsight, I'm sure some of it was in my head, and some of it was the result of my awkward teenage social anxiety and moments of wracking my brain to say something that was funny and clever like the other girls.

At the end of the day, I can finally look back and understand that most of it stemmed from those people's own insecurity and desperate attempts for control. I'm imperfect, I'm awkward sometimes, and I'm definitely not everyone's cup of tea, but I know now that it costs $0 to be kind, and those that decide otherwise have their own stuff to figure out. Shoot, I'll be the first to admit that there have been moments where I've conjured up negativity about someone else in a desperate attempt to make conversation or seem relevant. And so, there's grace.

I know now that it costs $0 to be kind, and those that decide otherwise have their own stuff to figure out.

Even so, trusting women was a long process for me and one I still have to be intentional about. There are still women that have and will break my trust. I will still experience the sinking feeling of exclusion. I know that's not over. But I can intentionally choose to combat that, as imperfect as my attempts may sometimes be.


It's easy to fall into a cycle. When I'm lazy and not in a good headspace, I can find myself assuming that the women I meet aren't trustworthy. I can put up a wall, feeling myself grasp for that control in acting like I don't care so that they can't hurt me. If I just assume they don't like me from the start, maybe I'll be less hurt when I find out it's true, right? But I've seen this toxic cycle so many times. That self-protection makes me cold, which makes other women feel judged and on guard, and suddenly we've missed out on what could have been an amazing friendship or encouraging interaction.

If I just assume they don't like me from the start, maybe I'll be less hurt when I find out it's true, right?

When the reality of this hit me, I realized that I would rather be kind and interested in what someone I meet has to say even if it turns out they find me annoying or want nothing to do with me, than be guarded for no reason and miss out on a beautiful friendship or amazing connection. Like I said, it really costs $0 to be nice, even if you don't get the same in return.

Like I said, it really costs $0 to be nice, even if you don't get the same in return.

So here's your challenge. When you, as a woman, make eye contact with another woman, just smile. If you're noticing something about them, maybe it's their outfit or the color of their hair or the way their smile lights up a room, just tell them. Maybe it could be awkward or they could be caught off guard, but it's worth it for the chance to encourage and brighten their day. There have been so many times that I have noticed someone looking at me and felt immediately self-conscious, but when they've taken the time to say "sorry, I was just admiring your tattoos," or something like that, all my anxiety melts away. A smile or a compliment could truly change someone's day and STOP this narrative of girls coming against each other.

When you, as a woman, make eye contact with another woman, just smile.
A smile or a compliment could truly change someone's day and STOP this narrative of girls coming against each other.

Obviously, we should smile at all people regardless of gender or identity, but we all know the animosity and insecurity women can feel toward and around each other. Why don't we make it our goal to break that? We can all play our little part in our community, workplace, family, and friend group to just be a girl's girl, to empower, support, and STOP competing. Girls are not a threat to you. There's room for everyone.

We can all play our little part in our community, workplace, family, and friend group to just be a girl's girl, to empower, support, and STOP competing.

Now, of course, people aren't always trustworthy. There will always be people, male or female, who dislike you. I've had people get annoyed when I'm quieter because they think I'm being judgemental or people annoyed when I'm outgoing because they think I'm looking for attention. At the end of the day, you can't let those things get to you or define you. You'll never please everyone. That's not revolutionary, we all know that. BUT we can all choose to respond with kindness and, especially as women, try to be a team.


Lastly, if you're feeling like you are cursed or female friendships are still super scary for you, you're not alone. But please don't give up. Women have so much to offer one another. The empowerment of having close female friends who you have mutual admiration for is so powerful. It's fine if you don't have or don't desire a huge "girl gang". But please don't come against other women, and don't give up on the chance to be close with other women. I never thought I'd have this big of a network of women I knew that I could count on and who I genuinely looked at in awe, adoring and respecting who they are and knowing they feel the same about me.

Lastly, if you're feeling like you are cursed or female friendships are still super scary for you, you're not alone. But please don't give up.
I never thought I'd have this big of a network of women I knew that I could count on and who I genuinely looked at in awe, adoring and respecting who they are and knowing they feel the same about me.

Please don't give up on female friendships, and always always remember to always always be kind.








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